Pages and Petals

Today I was “visited” by a friend I lost a few months ago. I put “visited” in quotes because she just came to my job. She din’t say anything to me, and I didn’t say anything to her. We simply existed within the same atmosphere. I have a feeling she thought nothing of it. She was there with her friends that were very mean to me last year, and I ran to the back of our store and had a panic attack. I was so scared that they were going to try to approach me and say something, anything. I had a bad feeling that if we crossed paths, one of her friends would make really bad comments to me.

But we never crossed paths. I stood in my bookstore and just kind of looked around. I had always found solace in the pages of books. Losing yourself within the pages of a book is a type of therapy in itself. I love my job because I love being around books. Even though it’s work, I feel at ease everyday I am there.

I love books so much I write in four different journals a day. I want to eventually get one of my books published. I’ve had on short story published, but I have so much for he world to know. I want the world to know that there is definitely bad things out there, but there are so many good things to counteract.

Most people have told me that I’m very much incapable of writing. I let it really get to me. I didn’t want anyone to read what I wrote because I had been put down so much. The aforementioned friend definitely being one. She is an English major. Now, there are two types of English majors. One, the English major who loves literature and writing so much they wanted to pursue it and grow the minds around them. Second, the English major that will nitpick every single word on your paper, say that you’re spacing is wrong, and tell you not to be a writer. They both believe in bettering you, but the second is much harsher about their actions. They probably don’t mean to be so mean, but they definitely come across that way. There’s a way to criticize someone without breaking them down word by word and telling them that their writing is pure trash.

I can say this because I was an English major at one point in my life. For the first two years of college I wanted to be an English teacher because I absolutely loved writing, and I wanted to teach children about the great authors in history. Then I realized it wasn’t for me because all of the people in the department were extremely mean to me. Now, the department that I am in now (Mass Communications) is nowhere near nice, but the criticism you receive from my department is not to break you down. They criticize you to better you. They see your potential, and they want you to grow.

So that being said, this friend would break down my writing. I know she was just trying to be nice, but it did not feel that way at all. She would also breakdown my speech. I’m trilingual so sometimes my sentences don’t form exactly right. When I need to speak formally I’m usually very good about watching my words, and I make sure that I don’t stumble too much or accidentally speak in anther language. She knew this, but she just had a really bad issue of being offensive when she didn’t mean to be. I would always make her aware if she was being offensive to someone that might not know English that well, but I couldn’t catch her every time. I’m not downing her because honestly we’re all a little ignorant. If you say you have no ignorance then you’re ignorant of your own ignorance.

I spent a lot of time trying to please her, and I just wanted to be perfect for her. Seeing her in my bookstore today triggered something in me. She loves reading so much, but when it came to me it was like I was doing wrong. I felt like I always made her upset with every single thing I wrote. But today she made me upset. She walked into my place and pranced around as if nothing ever happened. She had new friends, and had forgotten me.

After all that sadness, here’s the kicker. I heard that she broke up with her boyfriend recently. I cannot explain how happy that made me! I know that sounds awful of me, but he never treated her right. I tried bringing her attention to it a few times in the past because I was so tired of seeing her sad. I hated seeing her curl up in a corner and basically bow to him when he did nothing for her. I have never been more proud of her. I don’t really care what happened between us. The only thing that I’m still upset about is how her friends got involved in something that was only between us.

Anyway, I’m proud of her. She has always been pretty soft spoken, but her realizing that he was not right for her is one of the biggest steps for her. She may not care about what I say or how I feel about the situation, but I’m writing it anyway. When my boyfriend broke up with me last January and I was just a crying mess for days on my couch watching Descendants of the Sun, she sent me flowers. They were actually “anonymously” sent to me, but I read on the card and saw her contact information. I never said anything because when I mentioned it to her she looked so proud of herself. Honestly, that was one of the most thoughtful things someone has ever done for me.

I’m typing this, and I’m a mess all over again. I don’t really care if in the future we talk again, but I do want to see her happy. Now I know that she is on her way to happiness. She can finally see what’s out there without being held back by that dude. I just want her to b happy. I’m just so proud of her, and I hope she finds the happiness she deserves. I plan on sending her some flowers to let her know how proud I am of her. Anonymously. Just like she did last year.

Even though we had a pretty awful falling out and one of the saddest endings to any friendship I’ve ever had, I want her to smile. As I had my small panic attack in the back of my store, I smiled thinking of all of the memories we had. All of the small inside jokes we had with each other, the nights we stayed up watching Doctor Who, Star Wars, and Lord of The Rings, and shoulder I always knew I could cry on. I smiled thinking about how even though she may still hurt from her breakup, she’s happier now. If her happiness doesn’t include me, then so be it. She’s one of the purest souls I ever met, and a friendship like hers is special. So hold onto her, whoever is in her life now, and know that you have someone very special.

What made you smile today?

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