November/December

Let me just tell you how different these two months were from the rest of 2017! I spent all of 2017 believing that I was happy because I was comfortable, but there is one positive thing I learned from that dreaded tornado on January 21.

Something can be so beautiful from the outside, but break it down and you’ll see how raw and unhealthy it is. An old flame may look promising and they may excite you like they used to, but they hurt you. They made you hate yourself. Rekindling an old friendship may seem like the right thing to do, but that friendship made you cry at the end. It made you question why people want to be around you. My old dorm was beautiful, but as I walked in that last time I realized how literally toxic it was. What I’m trying to say is, sometimes the things that we are just so comfortable with are the things that are breaking us down. As humans we don’t like change, we want to have our one thing and that be the end. We need to learn that change happens. You move, you meet new people, and you start dating other people. You grow.

I am a completely different person from what I as in the summer. I used to hate myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how emotional I am. I hated where I was. It took one person coming into my life and telling me that I’m beautiful even with my dumb illness. I may be emotional, but that just means I’m human. I may have anxiety, depression, and PTSD but I won’t let it win.

It took one person coming into my life and treating me like a human being rather than an object for me to realize my worth. I’ve regained my love for myself. I don’t feel like I have to hide who I really am anymore. I feel safe. I’ve always wanted this. I’ve always wanted to be able to be myself with no worries of being judged. The only feeling I can describe how my beginning of 2017 is dead. The last few months have been the complete opposite of that. I have felt more like myself because I haven’t been told to be a certain way to please others. I’ve been told to just be myself, and being myself has made me happier than I have ever been.

Now, 2017 couldn’t end without one more bad thing happening of course. We unfortunately lost our Jonghyun. He took his own life because he hated himself and he felt like he was not enough. When I was in high school and I first heard of SHINee I was in love. They were five skinny Korean boys that just made me happier than anything. They would say in their music that the fans kept them going and that we were the reason for their happiness. I wanted them to be happy forever. They were precious to me. I had no idea that Jonghyun was battling such a dark battle that I have dealt with myself. Hearing that he took his own life broke my heart. No one should ever feel that lonely or lost.

It is quite literally the end of 2017 now and it is time to leave everything behind. Everything that happened to me this year is over. 2018 will be a time for me to be a new person. I know everyone says that every year, but it is truly time for a change. It is time to be happy, and it is time to stop looking at everything bad that happens. I’m content with where I am right now, I’m content with who is in my life, and I am content with where God is taking me. Please follow me into 2018 as I document this year. I have a really good feeling about 2018. It’s going to be a year of change and happiness. Let’s learn together to ind happiness in everyday. Even if it is a bad day there is always something to be thankful for, and there is always something to smile about.

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