March and April kind of ran together for me. They were months for me to learn about myself, but in that process I rekindled my love for my ex and ultimately took him back.
He bought me flowers and did everything he never did before. He told me that he wanted to care for me because of my new mental illness.
One night there was a really bad storm approaching Hattiesburg yet again. He told me he was coming over to where I was living once he was done hanging out with his friends. The weather started getting worse and I went upstairs to my room, laid down on my bed, and started crying. I called him and asked him if they had finished recording what they were doing and he told me yes. He then proceeded to yell at me over the phone. He started telling me that he can’t always be there for me, and he had plans with his friends first. He was right. I was the second choice. I should have run away then.
From that point on I found hiding any anxieties I had would be best. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my sadness. It only made the people around me hurt. I would rather deal with my own battles than ask someone to help me out. It wasn’t their problem, it was mine.
During these months I also lost contact with one of my best friends over honestly one of the dumbest disagreements. But I was in a really dark place. The voice in my head was screaming at me daily. It would tell me how annoying I am to the people around me. My other friends that were living back on campus were making plans and not including me. I would see on social media how much time they were spending with each other and I was nowhere. The voice in my head told me I was alone. It was happy that I had to suffer in silence. So I continued to watch Friends, and I imagined that was us. I imagined we all lived close to each other, that we kept in contact with each other everyday, and that if we needed a shoulder to cry on that we had each other. Instead, we lived across town from each other, we talked to each other periodically, and when I needed someone to cry to I cried to Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Joey.
The happiest moment of my April was receiving the Short Fiction award from my college. I wrote a story based off of one of my favorite books, Demian by Hermann Hesse. I had also based this story off of the story of Cain and Abel but put a new age mental health twist on the story. It dealt with the terrors of living with schizophrenia. My goal is to bring these illnesses to light because they are so taboo in a sense.
May is my birthday month. I was lucky enough to go see KARD in Houston. For those who don’t know, KARD is a co-ed Kpop group the first time I had heard of them was December 2016. They had not even debut in Korea yet and they were doing an American tour. So I bought tickets for me and my boyfriend to go. He want very supportive of my love for Kpop but he told me he would go because it made me happy. He didn’t understand that while he ignored my crying night after night I would run to Kpop. The idols in Kpop made me laugh when I was sad. They told me to be happy and healthy and I wanted to try my best for them. But that’s a topic for another time.
While in Houston I also got to meet one of my favorite YouTubers, JRE. He told me happy birthday since the concert was on the day of my birthday.
At the concert I met two girls that I still talk to. We stood together in the crowd and honestly fangirled over everything that BM even said. I got the tickets for the hi-touch which allowed us to actually meet the members of KARD. Having each member smile at me and hold my hand gave me hope. I knew whatever was thrown my way I could make it.
About a week later I moved out of my friend’s apartment, and I moved in with my boyfriend. I was so happy to be living with him. I wanted to cook for him because where I’m from cooking for someone shows how much you care for them. I was so ready to make him happy every time he got off work. I just knew being with him everyday would make us both happy. He told me he was excited to wake up to me everyday. This made me happy because I felt wanted. I thought the world of him and I was sure he loved me just the same.