This month consisted of me sitting around at mine and my boyfriend’s house. We had no internet and no cable which left me with the movies I owned and the videos I had downloaded on my computer. I had asked him to get internet set up at the house but he told me he didn’t want to. He wanted to “reconnect” with life. But he had unlimited service on his phone. He would come home from work, sit on the couch, and watch YouTube videos.
I spent a lot of time reading, exercising, sleeping, and crying. Reading makes me beyond happy. I can sit down with a book and be completely content. But when there’s nothing around as a distraction, it’s easy to become very sad. I know. That sounds awful. Being so dependent on a distraction that you become depressed when it’s not there, but when you have anxiety you need that distraction. Sitting around with only your thoughts can drive you crazy. Your own mind becomes a prison that you cannot break out of, and I had to sit and suffer because I had no way of escaping.
That is until the end of the month.
I finally got my first car! I finally had the ability to do what I wanted. When I had to sit alone at the house I could now go to a café to use WiFi! I was so happy, but my boyfriend was not happy. I could tell from his reaction that he was not ready for me to not be completely under his finger. I now had freedom, but he wanted me to just be home so I could cook his food and wash his clothes.
Also, in the month of June a new social media app surfaced. On this app you could anonymously post what you thought of a person. That’s it. No consequences. I, of course, downloaded the app and created a profile. At first, I got a ton of positive posts about how great of a friend I am. Then, I started getting posts saying that I “beg for attention” and that I “post too many pictures of myself even though I’m not pretty.” If I said this didn’t hardcore affect me, I would be lying. I cried my eyes out for days over just two posts. My anxiety was telling me that, yes, I was in fact ugly. I wanted to delete all of my social media accounts because I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t want anyone to be burdened with having to see me.
Since I had a car now I was able to spend more time with my mom. We would go to Florida and spend time on the beach. Times like this with my mom are special to me because my mom is the most special person in my life. Now that I wasn’t having to sit around being sad, I could go home and see her. Home will forever be a safe haven for me.
I could feel myself slipping into a deep depression. I was buying all of the groceries with my money, cooking almost every night, deep cleaning the house, and doing all of the laundry. Usually cleaning makes me happy, but cleaning without being thanked for all you’ve done can really get to you. I felt extremely unappreciated, but I didn’t run because I was in love and stupid. I was a fool, and I didn’t care. So I continued with this routine because I didn’t want there to be any conflict in our house. I wanted us to be happy, and I genuinely believed we were.