February

February was a time for me to learn the new me before I had to go back to school and be a person again.

The beginning of the month was full of me laying in bed doing basically nothing. My memory started to get worse and worse and everyday felt like a struggle. I hated waking up. Everyday felt like a drag to me, and honestly there was only one real thing keeping me going.

Xenophilius, Xeno for short, helped me live everyday. He’s my cat and I’ve had him since he was born on March 17, 2015. He doesn’t do much, but he loves me. Anyone can tell you that whenever I come home he all of a sudden has so much love for just me. He makes me feel loved, and I am his number one. Spending everyday with him after I went through such trauma helped me feel whole again. He would lay with me in my room. He does this thing where he lays on my chest and he purrs. Knowing he loves me so much helped me live.

I went through a bunch of trials in the month of February. My ex kept asking me if we would get back together and I would dodge the question as much as I could. I could tell he was mainly just wanting someone and I was vulnerable. My mind was everywhere. I would think one thing but then the next minute I would completely forget what was happening. I would have moment where I would randomly break down and cry because I didn’t know why I was so lucky to be alive.

In the tornado four people (not on campus) died. Battling depression and anxiety with this new PTSD was rough on me. I asked myself literally every single day, “why am I alive?” I always thought of myself as such a bad person so I couldn’t understand why I was spared.

February was full of my hating myself. I didn’t believe that I was worthy enough of life itself. I was 100% sure that everyone in my life hated me. Why? I couldn’t tell you.

I drank a lot. I know what a lot of you will say: “Why would she publicly say she drank excessively? Doesn’t she want a job in the future?” So let me put this out there. When someone has an addiction and they are trying to overcome the addiction do not silence them. The first step to their recovery to coming to terms with the dark parts of their lives. I know that my drinking was bad. It was breaking me down from the inside out. My face was breaking out, my weight fluctuated, and I felt about 40% present. But this is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to deal with reality.

I would spend a lot of time outside too. This was the only thing keeping my grounded. When I would walk up and down my driveway I would admire all of the azaleas at my house. The little pink flowers at the front of the driveway reminded me that my grandfather wanted me to live my life happily. He wanted to see me smile everyday, and he believed I was made for so much more than the demons that I have to battle.

At the end of February we were allowed to move back to campus. I decided to not move back because honestly I was too scared. I wanted to be with my extremely bad, but for my mental stability I could not sleep on that campus again.

As we pulled onto campus I played the song Spring Day by BTS (if you want to listen to this song then I will link it at the end). He song is about missing someone or something. I felt this song was appropriate because I missed my campus. But what I came back to was not my campus. Ross and Johnson hall were gone. Wind whistled through Tatum Court and I felt my heart break. I would never go back to my campus because my campus had become dust in the past.

February was a blur, but I learned many life lessons. I could feel my mind expanding beyond illness and I was ready to move on with my life.

https://youtu.be/Wbqe-GOg2XE

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